gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize