i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
