Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
He passed out mid-signature
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
