Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
