yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Im part way to drunk.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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