Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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