I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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