Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
