Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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