i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Randomize
