New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
