Swine flu is the new snow day.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Randomize