Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
