I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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