i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
