i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Who put my cat in the fridge?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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