If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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