totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
