I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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