Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
