and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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