She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
