Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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