Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
