nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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