All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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