his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
