My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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