I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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