I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
