we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
