I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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