Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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