Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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