I cockslap morals
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
