I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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