Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Randomize
