my phone needs a breathalizer
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Drunk walkin through police station. America
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize