It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
We are two peas in an std pod
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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