That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
