You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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