dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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