I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
