East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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