hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
