My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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