dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize