I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
