If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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