Swine flu. Run for my life!
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
The uberlube is also flammable
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Randomize
