I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
