So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I think weed is turning my hair brown
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
