Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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