Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
