You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I can't put those talents on a resume
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
