I wanna bring you to show and tell
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize