i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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