I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
