when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
