There is no way he is gay with that hair.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
