3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
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