i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
home. puking in laundry basket.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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