I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
