Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
