I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
