I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
